Notes From A Tricky Brain

For most of my time under the care of the mental health system, the professional people I came across were quite negative about my future. As I said in my previous post, I only recently got my Autism diagnosis and before that I languished in a broken system for eleven years, with Psychiatrists, Nurses, Occupational Therapists, GPS, and even family members, never giving me any hope that I might one day make even a partial recovery and do something out with the confines of my house.

However, in 2015, I decided to undertake an Open University degree to give my days a bit of routine and structure, and myself something to focus on other than illness. Because of my circumstances, I had some special requirements put in place to help me and it wasn’t until the Iast couple of years of my degree that I met a mentor who had some experience working with neurodivergent people. She helped me think of my Autism not as an impediment, but as something that was simply as intrinsic a part of my personality as my fear of wooden spoons, and shouldn’t have to hold me back. It took me eight full years to gain my degree but, by the end, I started to think about what I might like to do next. I have always enjoyed learning and studying and for me, the most obvious next step was an MSc. Filled with newfound hope and encouragement, I applied for a full-time, on campus MSc in Applied Statistics at the University of Strathclyde and, to my surprise, was given a conditional offer.

I met these conditions and in September 2023, after countless practice train journeys and onward walks to the campus to find the buildings I would be taking classes in, off I went into the Big Wide World. It wasn’t easy (and in my next post I’ll talk about Autistic Burnout), but after so many years of people telling me I would never be well enough for something like this, and that I’d pretty much be stuck at home for the rest of my life, I found myself surrounded by people who believed in me, who didn’t even question my abilities. They knew little of my past, but that didn’t seem to matter. I did well academically in the first semester and was respected both by my tutors, and amongst my peers.

Unfortunately, after so many years at home and only having had a relatively recent diagnosis, I started to unravel in the second semester. I wasn’t keeping up, was starting to burnout and wasn’t making it to as many classes as I’d managed in semester 1. Looking back, it was a lot to expect of myself. I hadn’t attempted to do anything outside of the house since 2011 and my Autism diagnosis was still very new. I had started to understand a bit about how it affected me at home and had started to put things in place to help me regulate my emotions and self-soothe at home, but I never thought about how I was going to translate that to a rush-hour train, or a busy university campus.

In late February/early March, things came to a head when I had a(n Autistic) Meltdown in my Advisor’s office and we eventually decided that the best thing for me at that time was to defer my studies until 2025. It broke my heart to have to do this, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I’ve been meeting with a lady from the university who specialises in Autism (because who knew there was such a thing as a masters in Autism?!) and, without any obligation whatsoever, she has been an amazing support. We spend time talking about my return to my studies, the things I was struggling with, how we might make things more manageable and measures the university can put in place to better support me on my second attempt.

So, yes, I’ve been languishing in a broken system for over ten years but, for the first time, I really believe there is going to be more to my life than hospital, the Crisis Team and Mindfulness.