Notes From A Tricky Brain

“WOW!”

That was the word my CPN almost shouted yesterday when I told her about my newfound acceptance for grounding, breathing exercises and just sitting with how I felt. It was an understandable reaction, since these descriptions were coming from the mouth of someone who has spent almost 15 years fighting against any of these things, as well as talking, counselling, therapy…the list is by no means exhaustive. All I ever wanted was medication, any kind of drug that made me numb, allowed me not to be me.

I know now that I can probably attribute my non-existent self-esteem to the torment I put up with in my younger years, mostly at the hands of other people...but it also comes as a result of trying to navigate a world never meant for me as an undiagnosed autistic person. From zero self-esteem comes self-loathing and, at times, I truly hated myself so much that I couldn’t even stand being inside my own skin, much less my head. Medication (both prescribed and not) was the only way I seemed able to escape that. I didn’t really want to talk about the hundreds of things that made me so unbearably anxious, I just wanted my dose of x, y or z increased. It made no sense to me why the professionals trying to help me wouldn’t save themselves some time and effort, and do what I deemed the easy option.

Recently, I’ve had reason to stop and take a look at what I was pumping into my body on a daily basis and, ultimately, come off of a (non-prescribed) drug pretty much cold turkey. I’m not proud of this, and I strongly advise against ever (a) taking drugs not prescribed for you, and (b) stopping said drugs without any medical advice, but I’ve done 15 days and counting. As a result, my autism has been very loud (both figuratively and literally) and my anxiety has been off the scale for the first time in a while. Ironically, I’ve now ended up on another prescribed drug to try and nurse me through.

Although the above mentioned anxiety has been crippling, it has nonetheless forced me to feel something for a change, to be aware of me and who I am. Anxiety is a feeling that I’m going to experience, given my diagnosis of autism with co-existing generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), so I have to stop fighting against it and let it pass – because it will. I’ve had to come up with ways to ground myself (for example, sitting on the floor in the dark), to soothe myself (for example, box breathing, stimming and a fleecy blanket), and to distract myself (for example, walking the dog, puzzles, reading and some “light” studying). I’ve also thought about all of this in relation to my return to university in January, and how it might translate to outside of my house. My hidden disability need no longer impede me; I can tell people what I need and ask for reasonable adjustments to be made…and, don’t worry, I’m not going to take my dog to lectures or sit on the floor in the library! All this said, I think I have to move forward without telling every professional I meet that I “don’t do breathing exercises, grounding techniques or mindfulness”…although I will forever continue to refuse to meditate, go to yoga classes or knit.

In any case, all of the above is very much a work in progress and is likely to continue to be for some time. I still take five different medications for my mental health, but they are all prescribed (and I take them exactly as prescribed) and they provide a baseline stability upon which I can build and hopefully, eventually, gain a bit of momentum. The hard work is for me, not the pills. I just have to get to know who I am and, most importantly, let other people get to know the most authentic version of myself possible.