Notes From A Tricky Brain

This is actually a repost, with a little editing, of a piece I wrote for my old blog. However, I thought it was still relevant now, and so wanted to put it here as a reminder. I would have liked to have had my Autism diagnosis sooner, obviously I would. But…and I’m not being a martyr, I’m really not…I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change most of the things that have happened to me in terms of mental illness. To put it another way, I’d far rather have gone/go through it than to have to watch it happen to someone I love. Anyway, here is a letter I wrote to my younger self, supposing I could have given myself advice and guidance if I’d have known what was to come.

Hey there, Little One:

I know you’re wondering what it is about you, why you feel like your own skin doesn’t fit, why people seem to be drawn to you, to mock, ridicule and laugh when all you want is to evaporate, vanish, for them to just not see you. I know social situations are a living nightmare. I know you struggle to find the words, not just to express yourself, but to answer simple questions, that you miss subtleties and say the wrong things at the wrong times. I know all of this is incredibly frustrating, terrifying, confusing and that you don’t know where to put yourself. I’d really like to tell you that this will improve when you leave school and go to university, that you’ll gradually find your feet, grow out of it and make a decent life for yourself. But it would be unfair to lie to you. Fasten you’re seatbelt, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

These feelings will persist throughout your adulthood, but here are some things for you to bear in mind. When things like going for interviews or changing job seem impossible, when people say “you can do better” and project societal pressures on you, they mean well, of course they do, but it’s not all that matters. You see, the world you’ll enter just isn’t for you. And that’s ok. No matter what people say, graduating with a degree you (largely) don’t understand and going into a job with prospects, where people expect you to climb the ladder, isn’t what life is about. Don’t exist in this world until all you’re doing is surviving, until it grinds you down to a shadow, until you’ve stopped eating (trust me, sorting that one out is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do), sleeping or functioning. Find what makes you happy (I think you’ll be able to work it out, if people give you the space and encouragement) and make a move before it’s too late. In this way, you’ll save yourself not only time, but so much pain – almost too much pain for one person to handle.

Talking of people, keep those who love you close. Don’t spend years shutting them out – you’ll break their hearts, over and over and over again. Be patient with them when they say the things you don’t want to hear (and trust me, there will be many such things). They’re having fear-based responses to the things they see you doing to yourself, they’re trying to jolt you back to what they see as ‘reality‘, they’re being cruel to be kind. I know you hate yourself, that you feel unlovable, that you just can’t fathom why anyone would care less whether you live or die. But there are people who want you here, and you have to stick around because another couple have yet to arrive – think of all the things you have to teach them! You might never be a mum, but you can be the best auntie on the planet (at least as far as these two little guys are concerned). 

And now we’ve moved on to a slightly more positive note, let me say this. Things will get better. You’ll work out what you want. Maybe even more crucially, you’ll work out what you don’t want! You’ll realise that there is a place for you in this world and you’ll have the courage to go and get it, or at least try. It won’t be easy. At times it’ll feel like the universe is against you and you’ll be knocked down, again and again and again, but you’ll get back up, again and again and again. That in itself is the most remarkable thing about you. You’re tenacious, fiercely determined and you JUST WON’T GIVE UP.

So, yeah, things are hard, and that’s not going to change any time soon. But just hang on tight, put up with it all with as much bravery and dignity as you can manage and you’ll be a better person because of it. Before you’re very old, you’ll have gathered more insight and wisdom than most people do in a lifetime and, who knows, maybe you can use that for good one day. 

Love,

Louise (aged 40 – see, you got that far) x