Notes From A Tricky Brain

I’m not a fan of rollercoasters, as a rule. However, one that I have been on is the “Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster” in Walt Disney World, Florida. Don’t ask me why; I must have been talked into it by another unhinged family member, and I remember HATING it! Little did I know that I’d be using it as an analogy to describe how I’m feeling almost 20 years later.

For some reason, the thing that sticks in my head about that particular ride, is that it goes from 0 to 60mph in just a couple of seconds. According to Wikipedia (I know, I would never normally cite Wikipedia, but it will do for now) gravitational-force, or g-force, is an effect caused by rapid acceleration. To get to the point, it is this “rapid acceleration” that causes me to relate all of this to the concept of an Autistic meltdown.

For me, there is almost always a trigger. This can be anything from confrontation, to a busy, noisy environment or (quite topically) a group-work assignment on my university course. In these instances, I simply cannot control my reaction; my mind and body literally go from 0 to 60mph in seconds and I spiral from there. My body temperature increases, my breathing becomes erratic, my hands shake and I start to stim…usually by rocking, but I also wring my hands. I can’t speak, but often make sounds of distress and, in extreme circumstances, I will repeatedly hit my forehead with my hand. I prefer, if possible, to be sitting on the floor than in a chair. More internally, I feel claustrophobic, intense anger, confusion and frustration. I immediately want to engage in some kind of self-destructive behaviour.

Invariably, people around me don’t understand this seemingly irrational response and sometimes get annoyed with me. They might tell me that I’m overreacting, and that I should “stop it”. If it’s someone I don’t know very well, they may feel helpless, flap around and not know what to do. But, really, all I need is for people to recognise this as Autism and not inappropriate behaviour, and to sit quietly with me until I can self-regulate. If you know me well, and the sorts of things that are in my crisis plan then, by all means, make a sensible suggestion. If you don’t know me so well, don’t panic; it will pass eventually, I’ll be exhausted but I’ll be able to make a decision about what to do next…and it won’t be a holiday to Florida!